A Father

I was reading an autobiography last year written by a guy about my age (that would be mid-30s.) This wasn't a warm and fuzzy autobio, but the no nonsense, in your face writing style I like. The author never really knew his father, so he just referred to him as "my sperm donor."

Even though they'd only ever met a couple times, the son never really tried to contact his biological father to bridge that relationship. Instead, he simply referred to him as "my sperm donor" and make snide remarks. And does the father deserve that title? I dunno-I'm not intimately involved with that relationship.

What I DO know is that if he cared enough to think up a degrading nickname, then the author is resentful that he never had a relationship with his dad. I think truly, everyone wants a relationship with their father. Scratch that: everyone wants a GOOD relationship with their father. Some folks have a relationship with dear old dad, yet due to whatever circumstances, they don't get what they want. And I know others who'd also like that relationship, but after trying and trying, it simply cannot be sustained. And when we have a rather high percentage of folks in this country who have fathers who are out of the picture, that's a lot of hurt hanging around. And I just think it's a sad thing.

And what am I? A father? Sorta, I guess. I do have three stepchildren, but I wasn't their stepfather until they were almost through puberty. I can guide and try to lead by example, but fathering? Really? Not so much.

My first father's day greeting today came from my Hija, Tiffani. Now, Tiffani isn't mine. Not exactly. Taylor, Jordan and Maddison are most definitely my stepchildren, but Tiffani is my Hija (hija is Spanish for daughter, if you don't habla espagnol)

Tiffani's father isn't really involved with her life. And due to the fact I think everyone wants a good relationship with their father, I brought her in as my Hija. Plus, she's exactly the kind of kid any father would want, so it wasn't like it was tough! I've also got Hijo, Tiffani's little brother, Tyler. Great, great kids and I'm just so humbled I get to take on a father figure role for them.

But what is a father? Just the guy who donated some sperm? The guy who takes the kids to the park? The disciplinarian? I'm none of these things. So, I kept thinking, trying to find a definition for "father."

I think the gender thing is important here. I think fathers ideally serve a role as protector. Being male, that's a little easier to think of than a female/mom as the protector of the family. So, with the gender thing nailed down, what is a father? Here's my definition (screw whatever Webster's says, this is my definition):

Father: Any male who puts the needs of children before his own.

No sperm involved. No marriage involved. No duties involved, other than always putting the growth and development of children at the forefront.

You won't have to look too hard to find fatherless children who had a male teacher who became their father. Or maybe it was another guy from the church. I know several friends who had fathers who died and they "adopted" another male role model as their father figure.

Why is this so important? First and foremost, I think raising kids is the most important job...ever. Second, because I was one of the lucky ones. My dad wasn't absentee. My dad wasn't a drunk. My dad wasn't a cheater. My dad wasn't an abuser. My dad gave us protection, guidance, discipline, acceptance and care. That's about five more things than many of my friends got from their dads. Filling that role is important to me. It is now and it always will be.

I'm not perfect. God knows I wasn't a father until I was a 31 year old dad of teenagers-but I want to always keep that definition of fatherhood at the forefront: the needs of children in front of my own.

If I get to help continue to guide Tay, J, Maddi, Hija and Hijo, I'm lucky. And if I can do it half as well as my old man, then they're lucky.

Happy Father's Day!

Swallow That Pride

Tonight, had a really pleasant dinner with some extended family.

Not to air all the dirty laundry that every family has, but within some of my relatives' relationships, tension exists. Folks have had hurt feelings, rejection, embarassment, self righteousness and all the typical emotions that we humans endure. Some of these folks have gone for years without speaking to one another. This is just sad.

I've been in family wars. I've seen the hurt we humans can inflict on others. It's weilded for no good reason and yet...it takes a HUGE amount of courage to stop these trends.

I'm super proud of what I witnessed tonight: relatives who may not have had any contact in months or years, all gathered together and enjoying one another's company. Letting the past be water under the bridge, quietly admitting their own shortcomings, forgiving those of others and, above all else...moving on.

Relationships are so much more important than being right.

Pardon My Geekiness

Okay, one of the big questions I always get is: How do you use a computer?

Simple answer? I get a normal computer, then I have to purchase special screen reading software, install it and learn how to navigate. Every time there's an upgrade to an operating system, the company that makes the screen reading software has to play "catch up." How do I use the screen and menus on a cell phone? Same sorta thing...buy the phone, buy the screen reading software, install it and then learn to use it.

This is how I've lived my life for the last, oh, 16 years.

However, there's some fantastic new things on the horizon. Namely? Apple products.

The Apple Mac computer has come with Voice Over, a screen reading software package, already built into the machine. This means any blind person can walk out of an Apple store with a new computer, take it home, turn it on and can use it immediately! No purchase of screen reading software, no clunky installations-it just works right out of the box.

Well, I've just learned that the most awesome device since screen reading software, the Victor Reader Stream (which I purchased a year ago) now has a competitor: The newest version of the iPhone.

Now, the iPhone can be used by blind people since Voice Over is built into the device. Again, right out of the box, it just works! I haven't used it, but the rviews are just fantastic. And this, dear friends, makes me want to weep with happiness at being on equal footing, using the same devices as the rest of the world.

There is one small issue with the iPhone which I just asked Apple to look into. I download my digital audio books for free from the National Library Service, part of the Library of Congress. Learn more at:

www.nlsbard.loc.gov

As many things as the iPhone will do, Apple and the NLS have to get together for me to be able to read these books on my iPhone. NLS suggested I write to Apple and ask them to begin a discussion with the NLS. So, I did. I just sent an E mail to:

accessibility@apple.com

In this note, I told them my situation, asked they contact the NLS and find a way that blind iPhone users can download NLS books. I would LOVE to not have to carry an extra accessible device like I do now...and Apple has that possibility.

Please, if you're blind and a reader, or if you just want to help out a guy like me, will you please take a couple seconds to ask Apple to communicate with the NLS to fulfill the NLS mission: That all may read. Thanks!

The Uselessness of Polls

Okay, not all polls are useless. I totally understand the idea of getting an idea of the pulse of the nation by folks participating in surveys. But there was one I saw recently that takes the cake.

We all know about the AirFrance flight that went down in the southern Atlantic a week or two ago. On a major news site, the poll question was:

What do you think caused this crash? A. pilot error B. weather C. electronics failure D. terrorists

And the answer is...no one cares what your opinion is unless you know something about it! But here's the salesman in Hoboken checking "electronics failure" when he can't even fix a toilet! If you're a meterologist? Fine, I'd love your take! An aeronautical engineer? Even better! A pilot? Awesome, spill your guts! A nurse in Tucson? Not so much!

Look, polls are great for gaining opinions of how people feel and behave. It's not an accurate way of finding answers to non-related querries. Please just consider what you're reading and why your opinion might (or might not) matter.

New Facebook URL

If you're on Facebook (and if you're not, shame on you!), you've probably read their updates about how you can now create a unique URL for your Facebook profile. I did this and you can now go directly to my FB page by clicking on:

www.facebook.com/MarcusEngel

Enjoy! See ya on Facebook!

Is There Anything That Could Change Your Beliefs?

I recently listened to a podcast from The Dave Glover Show which involved a debate over evolution. Now, let me state up front that I don’t really have a dog in this fight. I don’t see evolution as diametrically opposed to creationism. And more than that? I’m just not educated enough. Heck, there are Ph.D.s in physics, paleontology, geology and anthropology who can’t agree on how the world came into being. Why should an uneducated buffoon like me prove his buffoonedness by blathering about something where he has no expertise?

So anyway, a question was posed to one of the participants:

Is there anything that could make you change your belief?

This gave me pause. Granted, I have lots of beliefs. And if you want to know how my mind works, check out the lyrics to God (Part II) by John Lennon (U2 does an awesome version on “Rattle & Hum”, too.)

All the things I believe…that gravity exists, that Bruce Springsteen is the greatest songwriter of all time, that my wife loves me, that people who hurt children should be publically lynched, that navy blue is the best color, that global warming isn’t quite the issue Al Gore makes it out to be, that Mitch Hedberg is the funniest comedian ever, that goat cheese on a burger makes it tastier-just a lot of beliefs.

But could my beliefs be changed? Sure! With more information. After all, my beliefs are based on the information I’ve obtained thus far. Do I know enough to be an expert on all issues? Any issues, for that matter? Nah, I’m not real dogmatic about why my beliefs are fact: only that they’re my beliefs.

When this question was posed to the creationist, he said that nothing could change his mind. Absolutely nothing, nothing at all.

Really?

See, we only know what we know. Let’s take religion (since we’re on the subject)…what if tomorrow, earth was visited by aliens. And what if these aliens turned out to have had a video camera on earth since, oh, the beginning of time. And what if we could see, right there in living color that, um, that whole Genesis thing? Yeah, didn’t happen. Not the way Christians, Jews and Muslims all agree it happened, at least. If this film from the aliens was absolutely refutable with all their methods proveable and accurate….and yet it doesn’t jive with what you’ve been taught all your life…would it change your beliefs?

Granted, this is a ridiculously far-fetched scenario. I just get really worried when dogmatic people say that nothing, not a single thing no matter how relevant, will ever change their beliefs. Talk about having the blinders on.

For me, I’ll rest content in the knowledge I’m ignorant. And if some day I die, I’ll be real, real happy if there’s some new knowledge revealed to me. After all, my human mind can only comprehend what I’ve been taught and what I’ve experienced…and I haven’t experienced Genesis. Neither has anyone else alive today.

Is there a difference in belief and opinion? That’s the idea I’m pondering today…

Happy Graduation, Maddison!

This past week, I went deep into the heart of Texas to celebrate my stepdaughter's graduation. Maddi graduated from Belton High School this past Thursday night - something I'm very, VERY proud of!

Every teenager has the difficulties of growing up, that transitional period into adulthood, all the stuff we hated as teenagers. To get through these things AND get one's diploma is something that's such an accomplishment! I'm super duper proud of my fav Adams teenager female for her great work and for giving us such a special celebratory time!

Shriners International Awareness Day

My first introduction to the Shriners was a parade in downtown St. Louis when I was maybe six years old. And more than the parade (other than a few scattered memories of a two-humped camel and guys in go carts), my biggest memory was having to pee something fierce! Seems my aunt had brought along a cooler full of soda and we got to drink all we wanted...quite a treat for such a little guy! By the time we got home, my cousins and sister were ready to sell our birthright for first dibs on the bathroom!

So, when I became a Shriner in 2008, I started to become more acquainted with the inner workings of what it means to be a Shriner. Sat. June 6 is Shriners International Awareness Day (something you may have seen reference to on my Facebook and Twitter statuses).

So, who are the Shriners and what do they do? The Imperial Shrine is an organization made up of Master Masons (Freemasons) with the purpose of supporting the Shriners Hospitals for Children. Shriners have lots of events for members like black tie balls, casino nights, parties, socials, gatherings, etc. etc. etdc. Pretty much anything you can think of. And while we're having fun, there's the specific intent that we're also supporting the Hospitals by raising money, awareness and volunteerism.

The Shriners Hospitals for children are a group of approx. 20 different hospitals nationwide which provide orthapedic and burn care to children-for absolutely free, regardless of a family's ability to pay. As with so many orthapedic conditions, this may be on going; years of surgeries and rehab and prosthetics may be required. All for free in some of the most state-of-the-art facilities imaginable.

If you'd like to learn more about the Shrine, Shriners Hospitals or becoming a Shriner, please visit:

www.ShrineHQ.com

So, You Wanna Meet Your Hero?

We all have heros. Some are tangible, right there intimately involved with our every day lives. And some are those bigger-than-life folks who we nearly idolize!

So, if the opprotunity presented itself, would you want to spend time with your hero? What if it meant you walked away from the meeting no longer respecting that person?

A few days ago, I was listening to a conversation by some old DJs who've seen the ins and outs of rock-n-roll over the last, oh, 50 years. One is a giant Rolling Stones fan, another is a giant Eric Clapton fan. Neither has had the opprotunity to meet their musical hero. Then the question arose...so, if you had the chance, would you take it?

Bob Dylan once had the opprotunity to meet his childhood musical idol, Elvis Presley. But Dylan turned down the offer. Why? Because he knew the reality could not match up with the image Bob carried of The King.

As I listened to these two DJs talk, neither was quite sure what they'd do. Meet Mick Jagger, only to have him turn out to be a complete jerk? Or spend a few minutes talking with Clapton, only to discover he's more interested in a newspaper than you? It's a tough call...but I know exactly where I'd land.

See, I dig reality. Even if something is less impressive in person, I want to know that. Everyone says the Grand Canyon is so impossibily beautiful and no words can describe it. But I'm sure there are people who've also gone to the Grand Canyon and said, "What's the big whoop?"

I choose to live in a world called "reality." Good or bad, right or wrong, I always want to know the reality. Not the delusion, not the hallucination, nothing through rose-colored glasses. I want reality.

Having spent years in denial of reality, once you've tasted the sweetness of what life really is, it makes me never want to miss an opprotunity to know reality-even if that reality doesn't match up with my pre-conceived notion. What's your take?

There's No Such Thing As Coincidence

I often hear the phrase, “There’s no such thing as coincidence.”

I have had “chance happenings” in my life that have such an astronomically small possibility of happening that it can’t really be called “coincidence.” The first that comes to mind is my random acquaintance of Ron Graham when I first went to the Seeing Eye, Inc. in Morristown, NJ in 1995…only to discover Ron had lost his sight in a car crash the exact same night as I. 1000 miles of Missouri, Oklahoma and Texas lay between our homes, but then, 2000 miles from either of our homes, only a dining room table separated us.

Dick Cavett, the former television personality, writes a blog for the NY Times on coincidences. The story of Ron and I was sent in by Henry (Bleu) Beathard, Ron’s father-in-law. Here’s the link:

http://cavett.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/08/seriously-what-are-the-odds/?ref=opinion&apage=20

Seven years after our first meeting, Ron introduced me to someone who became my best friend…and four years later became my wife. Maybe it’s true: There ARE no such things as coincidences.